Time flys whether or not you're having fun. Today I was lounging around my grandma's apartment with Chris and Daria. We had just finished our dinner, and my grandma was in the process of peeling apples for my siblings.
We started talking, as usual, about random things. Somehow age was brought up, but it was not on how old we each are. It was about where the time went, and how we each spent the years that have gone by. My youngest sister, Daria, told me something that shocked me. She said that I had been gone from her life since she was in third grade. It wasn't until recently did we bond together. She's right. We are 9 years apart. When I went away to college, 3 years ago, she was in third grade. She was only in third grade, and already I was disappearing from her life.
She also kindly reminded me that it wasn't the first time. You see, I went away for two years during my high school career. Freshmen and Sophomore year were the two best years of my high school experience. I was living with my grandparents on my mom's side. I went to a high school that was about half an hour away by car from my parents. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It was the greatest thing that happened to me until I realized that this meant that out of the 12 years of my little sister's life, I have been gone for 5 of them.
That's scary. It's scary to think that I will soon graduate and move out and perhaps find it hard to make time to see her later on. So in all of her life, I have only been fully, physically there for her for only 5 years. Whether or not I was actually present for her is a whole other story. Now, I realize that those 5 years that I spent with her may be the only 5 years in my lifetime that I could have been fully, physically, and mentally there for her. I regret not trying harder to be a better sister. I regret not telling her things I should have let her know instead of having her learn the hard way. I wish I could have seen this day coming 5 years ago, so I would have made choices to spend my time with her rather than to do my own thing and go my own way.
The fact of the matter is, this is not the first time I had this conversation with one of my siblings. Belinda and I had a deep conversation for the first time about the exact same topic. Age is not what separated us, time and our decision of what to do with our time did. Belinda and I are 3 years apart. When I went away for high school for the first 2 years, she was only 13 years old, just starting middle school.
What surprised me when we had our conversation was her truthful explanation of why she couldn't count on me and why she felt it was hard to trust that I would understand her. She asked me if I know where I was when she needed me the most throughout middle school. I was away, having the best time of my life and barely thinking about what was going on at home. I was away from the mess my family is, but she was stuck suffering every day without anyone to talk to or be with. I was absent in her life for those two critical years, and when I came back for the last two years of high school, I was not mentally or physically there for her either.
Then, I went to college. It's been another three years, and now I wonder why Belinda and I have not been better friends and sisters to each others while we were growing up. Now I know- I was simply not there for her. But I asked her too, where was she when I needed her? Where was she, when I needed my little sister to comfort me or to share my joys? Neither one of us could bear it any more. We realized we missed a large chunk of time to be with each other.
I told her I didn't realize the problem until now. I told her that I would try my best to be the good sister she deserves. I made my intentions clear to her, but she was skeptical. I couldn't blame her. I would have been skeptical too if someone that hasn't been in my life all of a sudden said she wanted in again. I would have felt hurt and disgusted and angry and sad. A little more than disappointed and a little more than hopeful from the conversation, I began to act differently. I am intentionally being a sister- a good sister. I am trying to be the person I know I could have been and the person I know I can be for Belinda and Chris and Daria.
It doesn't stop there. I am trying to be a better sister to Judy, a better daughter to my parents, a better grandaughter to my grandparents, a better niece to my aunts and uncles, and even a better friend to my friends. My heart is changing. I can feel it. And I thank God for changing my heart to one that is intentionally loving. Like being humble, loving is an action that requires effort. Loving is not passive; it is not unseen or unheard. Loving is active. And I am more than ready to start acting out my love now.
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